motherhood

Over the last three years I have been attending MOPS. The first time I went I could cry with joy and relief. There where moms that understood me. Moms who had stories that were more crazy them mine with their children crying and not listing. Moms who prayed for me. There was childcare for two hours that was FREE and FOOD! I loved this place!!!

One year the theme was perfect to how I was feeling "A Beautiful Mess." I felt like a mess. Everything around me was a mess. When I entered the meeting and heard the two words together I grabbed them and held them for two years. I AM BEAUTIFUL and a mess, and it's ok :)

WOW! what freedom and joy I have felt ever since.

Another mom's meeting that has helped me grow is the two meeting with "Brave Love." I understand more what it means that ALL women are created by God to be mothers. I had a chance to talk on this at a women's meeting in NJ.

I am so thankful I have my two boys in my life. However I have longed for more children and some how feel 4 is the perfect number. The number that I long for to see sitting in the back of a Suburban which I do not own...and at home being home schooled.

I am 39 years old, I don't think I will get to have my 4 children I have grieved for over a year. Eirikur has asked for more siblings, I use to tell him lets pray and he even gave us a name Mindia for a sister he thought he would have. One night at the dinner table he noticed that there is always an empty chair at the table and how we are missing a child. When I told him we could pray...he was already discouraged and said to us. "Oh mom we already prayed and God did not give us any."

I was so sad to hear his broken heart and see his love for another baby not be here, but I was and am hopeful. I shared with him that maybe God wants us to wait. Maybe God wants us to help children have a safe home. We can trust God and we can tell him what's on our hearts.

My husband share something with me recently that filled my heat. We do have the big car with 2 wonderful children and I do get to home school them. I am not missing that much from what I long for.

I don't understand why there is a DEEP longing in my heart for more but I wait and trust in the Lord.

I shared my heart with a older friend with many kids and she shared this with me. "It is wonderful to have lots of children but it is also wonderful to have little, because I am able to spend more quality time with two than I could with more. I am thankful she shared this with me, because it really did help me not grieve as much.

~I LOVE being a MOM, and a WIFE.